Anger and Desire

I woke up this morning thinking about anger, that powerful boundary-protecting emotion that I have only recently started to befriend.  And here is what became crystal clear to me: Anger is a window into our desire.  We wouldn't get angry if we didn't care.

Anger rails against feeling victimized,  against being told (with or without words) that we or the people or things we hold dear don't matter, that the person or situation we are encountering is more powerful than we are, and that there is nothing we can do about it.

The "antidote" to anger? Own your power -- and responsibility -- to shape the situation in a direction you want. Hear yourself saying: "I matter." "What I want matters." "I want this." "I don't want that." "And I have the power to make choices in my life regardless of what you throw at me." "I will not be a victim!"

By contrast, unhealthy responses to anger either send the message that "You (the other person) don't matter", in the case of attacking or blaming someone else, or " I don't matter," in the case of denying the emotion and becoming a martyr. Either way, those responses end up leading to MORE anger (either projected or internalized) because it's that sense of not mattering that anger comes to defend in the first place.

We need to know that is is okay to want things! And also come to terms with the real challenge, which is that we often want many conflicting things simultaneously, and it is impossible to have it all. Being an adult means that we have to make decisions about what we want most, given that neither we nor anyone else will ever be perfect.

What values do you want to embody? What kind of impact do you want to have on the world? How do you most want to feel about yourself and the people around you? If you're not sure, start paying attention to your anger.  It has your answers.

Goodness and Imperfection

I got the nicest thank you note recently, in response to a card I had written to someone in which I shared some things that I notice and appreciate about him. 

He said my card had moved him to tears because it described him as the person he hopes to be, even though he knows he often falls short.  I loved it not only because that’s how I want to see and treat people, but also because it points to something really fundamental about the Gift of Happiness.

Both goodness and imperfection exist within everyone, all the time, and we have a choice about where we want to focus our attention. That choice is important because it affects both our own happiness and the impact we have on others.

It only takes a moment to try it out for yourself:

Think about someone who bothers you. Think about those characteristics that you judge and criticize, that completely fall short of your ideals for human beings.  Think about how much you can’t stand that person, and notice how it feels to be self-righteous and judgmental.

Now try to focus on something you appreciate about that person. What virtues do they have? What kind of person do you think they aspire to be? What kinds of things might they struggle with in their life? Notice how it feels to acknowledge the good qualities that exist alongside their imperfection.

Maybe this isn’t true for everybody, but when I focus on the goodness within other people, it also brings ME closer to being the person I aspire to be. And that is a huge win-win.

In Defense of Happiness

A trusted friend recently shared with me that “happiness” isn’t a word he particularly resonates with, or frankly even aspires to, and cautioned me about using that word in relation to the work I do, for fear that I won’t be taken seriously.  It was great feedback, and really caused me to think. Here was my response:

Thank you again for an incredibly helpful and provocative conversation last week, and for encouraging me to articulate what I mean when I talk about the gift of happiness. It’s been a great exercise, and I want to share with you what I came up with, because I realized that happiness really IS the right word for what I’m talking about.  There’s nothing wrong with fulfillment or contentment or any of the other words you suggested, but they are not the same thing.

According to my quick Google search, the root of the word happiness means “chance” or “good luck”, and that makes a lot of sense to me.  Happiness, to me, is the feeling that I AM lucky, and that there are many blessings to be grateful for.

Happiness isn’t necessarily based on an objective reality, of course. We’ve all seen miserable people who seem to have everything, and joyful people who have experienced tremendous pain. Rather, happiness is a choice that we control. In any moment, we can choose to notice and feel grateful for whatever we are experiencing (and become happier), or we can judge it and compare it to what “should” be (and feel unhappy).

I think I heard you say the other day that pursuing happiness felt sort of self-absorbed and decadent, like something that only privileged people get to do. That totally makes sense if the way you seek happiness is to try to manipulate your circumstances to maximize pleasure and avoid pain (just turn off the news and go pamper yourself!), but that’s not what I’m talking about. 

The happiness I’m talking about is not a fear or denial of suffering, but a refusal to let the pain of our circumstances dictate our sense of worth and well-being.  And it is anything but selfish. All you have to do is think about the deep joy of people like the Dalai Lama, or Desmond Tutu, to get how powerful it is. But you don’t have to be a famous spiritual leader for your happiness (or lack of it) to have an impact.

I love being around authentically happy people.  They are a gift to me.  They accept me exactly as I am, remind me that I am okay, no matter what, and don’t make me responsible for their well-being. They make me feel better about myself, more hopeful about the world, and more empowered to make a positive difference.

Far from being decadent, I see happiness is a powerful way to bless the world. It is contagious, and worth spreading. I am keeping the name.