It could have been different...

The young woman in row 33, just ahead of me on my flight to Newark, had a really tight connection. The flight attendant looked at her tickets and shook her head. “That’s crazy,” she said. “They never should have booked that connection for you.”

But that’s the connection she had. 

The traveler asked if there was any way she could get off the plane first, to increase her chances of success. The flight attendant didn’t sound hopeful, but said she’d ask for an announcement to be made.

A brief announcement did come on shortly after we landed, something about a passenger who had a tight connection, and could we please stay seated an extra minute if we weren’t also in a hurry. But by the time we had taxied to the gate, it was all but forgotten. The aisles got crowded as soon as the fasten seatbelt sign was turned off, and my traveling neighbor was stuck in the rear of the plane, just as she’d feared. Deeply disappointed, she slumped down in her seat, and I was left pondering how things could have been different.

In 20/20 hindsight, not only was the announcement made too early, but it also didn’t give us a sense of the person we were being asked to help. We had no name, no face, no row number, even -- she was just some fellow passenger we didn't recognize, easy to overlook and forget about.

What if, instead, we had been told that Jane Smith in row 33 was in a real bind and needed our help to catch her flight home to Denver? What if Jane had been invited to stand up and wave, so we knew who we’d be helping? What if the announcing flight attendant reassured her, on behalf of the whole plane: “Don’t worry, Jane. We’ve got your back. You’re going to be the first one off this plane.”

In this alternate scenario, I picture her hurrying down the aisle with a big smile, fueled by the cheers and support of rows of strangers. Even if she didn't catch her next flight, her day would have been made. And it would have been memorable and inspiring for the rest of us too.

When we take the time to remember that other people are human beings, just like us, it is so much easier to be kind. (It's one of the reasons I like stories like this one.) And being kind feels so good.

In the year ahead, I hope you will feel connected to the people in your world, whoever they are, and find many opportunities to give and receive love in ways that feel good to you.  Big or small, "successful” or not, it doesn’t even matter. What matters is that you try.

Maybe the "evil" wolf doesn't have to starve

A dear friend recently reminded me of a little parable that I like. Perhaps you've heard a version of it before:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

I like the story because it reminds me that I am not alone in experiencing that internal battle, and that I have a great deal of choice in how it plays out. I am not the victim of my life story, but the narrator. It's powerful stuff.

That said, I have trouble with the "good" vs "evil" set up. For one thing, I don't think anger, envy, sorrow, etc. are evil. Sure, they can cause major suffering if I let them run the show, but does that make them evil?  I don't think so.

I don't think starving them to death is the right goal, either. Never mind that it's impossible -- these human traits are hard-wired and will be with me until I die. Because of that, attacking them is an attack against myself. And attacking myself -- even the parts I don't particularly like -- doesn't feel good.

Not to mention, get desperate and start attacking when they're hungry, making them a much bigger threat than they were to begin with.

As an alternative, I would propose to the little grandson the Abraham Lincoln approach: Rather than trying to destroy the evil wolf, make it your friend. Take all those "good wolf" qualities you already have, lavish them on the "evil wolf", and watch that so-called evilness melt away. 

• Listen to what the angry wolf cares about, what it's trying to protect. 
• Reassure the greedy wolf that it will be taken care of, that it will have enough.
• Help the self-pitying wolf see that it is stronger than it thinks it is.
• Remind the arrogant wolf that it doesn't have to be better than anyone else in order to be valuable.

There is no part of you that wouldn't benefit from your loving attention, no imperfection that doesn't also contain a gift.

With love and gratitude for ALL parts of you,
Anne

p.s. The "good wolf" approach works when dealing with the other people in your life, too.

You are Not Alone

I *thought* I knew what I was going to write about today, then I read this sermon by Marc Alan Schelske. And so you're reading this instead. :)

Marc is another hero of mine. I stumbled across him on Twitter many months ago and have been following him ever since. I love him for his passion and openness, and real-time grappling with how to be a follower of Jesus in today's world. I'm not really a Christian myself, by most definitions, but it doesn't matter when it comes to his words. Marc speaks the language of love and grace beautifully, and I'll take messages like that from wherever they come.

In his piece he talks about having just gone through an exceptionally tough month, with lots of fear and uncertainty, feeling stuck and reactive and alone, unable to bring forth the best of himself. And then the most minuscule of gestures started to bring him out of it: the encouraging note from a friend on Facebook, the email from a reader who had been deeply touched by something he'd written -- people reminding him of who he is, that he matters, and that he is not alone.

Can you relate to the need to hear those things from time to time?  I certainly can. When I'm feeling down it's so easy to get trapped thinking that I'm the only one, that it's my fault, that if only I were ______ enough (smart, kind, patient, savvy, whatever), I wouldn't be confused and suffering. But it's just not true. Confusion and suffering come with being human. We are all in this crazy situation together, and we don't have to feel alone.

I started hosting card-writing gatherings a few months ago as an opportunity for people to remind each other that they are loved, appreciated, and not alone. Whether it's to say thank you, offer condolences, provide encouragement, or just let someone know you're thinking of them, a card can be powerful. When I send cards, sometimes they make a big difference for the other person, and sometimes they don't, but the act of doing it always makes a difference to me.  And that, in itself, makes it worth it.

If you're in the Boston area, there are card-writing gatherings coming up on Jan 9, Feb 13, Mar 12, Apr 9, and May 14, and I would love for you to come. But they are also easy to host yourself, wherever you live, and I'm happy to provide tips and encouragement if it's something you'd like to try. Just email me.

Why the News is Not Reality

I went to see Daniel Goleman speak last month, just a few days after the terrorist attacks in Paris. I thought he had some really important things to say about the violence and cruelty in the news, which I'd like to share with you.

First, a thought experiment: Picture an old-fashioned balance scale. On one side, imagine all of the positive, loving things that human beings do each day -- the hard work, the playfulness, the helpfulness, the hugs, all the little gifts that we give and receive, often without even thinking. On the other side, imagine all of the "bad" stuff -- the hurt, the negativity, the selfishness, the meanness.

Which side would be heavier?

Goleman said there wouldn't even be a competition.  The love would so outweigh the negativity that it would tip the scale right over.

So why don't we hear about all of those positive, loving things when we turn on the news? People doing their jobs responsibly and ethically, looking out for one another, learning, having fun, being creative... These things are happening all the time, all around us. In other words: They are not news. Shootings, accidents, scandals, abductions -- these things make the news because they are exceptions to the norm. But our brains have a hard time remembering that. 

Goleman reminded us that our brains were not designed to handle danger and destruction 24/7. They were designed to mostly be calm and peaceful, with the occasional burst of fear and adrenaline to help us escape saber-toothed tigers. No wonder it is so easy to become anxious, overwhelmed, and even paralyzed, when we can easily access -- in graphic detail -- the pain and suffering of the entire world. Whether it's happening "out there" or in our own lives doesn't particularly matter; as empathic, connected creatures, other people's pain registers as our own. 

About three years ago I basically stopped listening to the news because I recognized that it made me depressed and angry. The choice felt good for my mental health, but it also made me slightly uncomfortable: If I don't know what's happening in the world, am I an ignorant, irresponsible citizen? If I'm not interested in hearing coverage of school shootings or natural disasters, does it mean I don't care?

Listening to Daniel Goleman, I realized that neither of those things are true. In fact, they are the opposite of truth. The truth is, I care a lot about what's happening in the world, but if I allow myself to get sidetracked reacting to all the fear and anger that's out there, I can't do anything to make it better. 

What about you? How do you relate to the news? Does it motivate you?  Does it drag you down? How do you make it work for you? It's an active question for me, and I would love to hear your perspective.

The Gratitude Game

As I was cooking the Thanksgiving meal yesterday, a game popped into my head that I think would be fun to play. The way I envisioned it, there would be a stack of cards, each with a different category printed on it: items in your kitchen; famous people; things that start with the letter M; characteristics of the person on your left; etc. On your turn, you'd pick a card and then have a minute to name as many things in that category as possible that you're grateful for, and why. Examples could be things like:

• Items in my kitchen: The Vitamix, because it makes great smoothies; the meat thermometer, so I know when the turkey is done
• Famous people: Robin Williams, because he reminds me that even the most talented people still have struggles; Donald Trump, because he is sparking interesting conversations
• M words: Mirrors, so I can see if I have food caught in my teeth; meatballs, because they are fun to make and eat
• Characteristics (of my son, in this case): His full-hearted laugh, because it reminds I can lighten up; his silly dancing, because I think he got it from me :)

At the end of a bunch of rounds, you'd tally up the number of things each person came up with, and the person with the most would be the winner.

I like the game because it focuses on speed and quantity -- how many different things can you be grateful for -- bypassing the part of the brain that might get caught up in choosing the "right" or "best" things. (I don't think there's any right or wrong in gratitude, but I do know from experience that it's possible to get overly-serious about it.)  The fact is, you can pick anything in any category, and it'd be possible to come up with a reason to be grateful for it, even if it's something you despise. So the game is an exercise in creativity and flexible thinking, in addition to building one of our most important happiness "muscles."

What do you think? Is this a game you would play? What other games do you know of that are similar?

Wishing you lots and lots of gratitude, today and always.

Procrastination vs. Choosing What Matters

Today I want to introduce to you one of my heroes. Brian Johnson has no idea who I am, but I think he's a superstar, and his work is slowly but consistently changing my life. (Here's a link to his YouTube channel.)

Basically what he does is find, read, and distill a vast number of books about personal growth and optimal living into formats that are easy to understand and apply. Today's free email from him featured a 10-minute video that summarized a book called Procrastinate on Purpose by Rory Vaden, which I listened to while getting ready for the day. It prompted me to think about some of the things I do that aren't all that important, and that keep me from having time to do what really matters to me. On my list:

• Reading emails that aren't particularly relevant to what I'm doing, just so I can delete them
• Writing down ideas or planning things out but then not actually acting on them
• Comparing myself to other people, and getting caught up in judgments toward them or feelings of my own inadequacy
• Getting sidetracked (checking my phone, eating a snack, whatever) without a clear sense of what I actually want to be doing
• Worrying about how things are going to turn out
• Staying up late scanning Facebook and telling myself that it's relaxation time, when sleep would be even better

What would be on your list?  

Can you give yourself permission to stop doing those things that don't matter all that much, in favor of things that do?

When I pay attention, it's clear that things like fun, learning, appreciation, and simply experiencing the crazy ups and downs of life are all more important to me than the things on that list. The trick, of course, is to practice paying attention. 

In this moment, and in this coming week, may you remember what matters to you, and have the courage to pursue it.

6 Reasons to Look for the Good in Your Family

Last Saturday night, a group of us all made word cloud collages of things we appreciate and admire about our family members. Photos are posted in the Gift of Happiness group on Facebook. If you want to try the exercise yourself, here's how:

1. Make a list of the family members you want to include. They could be blood relatives or not, alive or not, people coming to Thanksgiving dinner or not -- any group of people you see (or are open to seeing) in a positive light.
2. For each person, write down 2-3 characteristics or strengths they have that you think are admirable. (If you get stuck, try asking other people what they see.)
3. Go back through your list and circle any words that you used for more than one person, or that are especially important to you.
4. Write all the words on another sheet of paper, with the circled words larger and bolder than the rest. (Or google "word cloud generator" and have the computer do it for you.)

The result? A visual reminder of what your family is like at their best.

If you generally have a nice, easy, loving relationship with your family, this will be a fun exercise. But it's also a worthwhile exercise even if your family is NOT picture-perfect. Here are six reasons to try it:

1. It will help you see your family more clearly and accurately. When you have strong judgments about people -- when you know "how they are" -- you tend to filter out all evidence to the contrary and can't see them for who they really are. In truth, they are not just their shortcomings, but a complex mixture of virtue and imperfection, just like you.
2. It will help you release outdated stereotypes. It is easy to assume you know everything you need to know about your family members. The problem is, you're often working with very old information -- things you decided were true many years, even decades, ago. But people learn and grow, just like you have. Looking for evidence of their strengths helps you appreciate how they've changed and who they actually are now.
3. lt will help you forgive yourself for the ways in which you are like them. Let's face it; the things that trigger us most about our family members are often things that we too struggle with in some form, or are afraid may become true for us. If you can see your family members' virtues despite their shortcomings, it's a reminder that your own shortcomings don't define you, either.
4. It is empowering. There is no objective truth about how your family is. Completing this exercise is a reminder that you get to choose how you want to see them.  And it gives you something to do that's under your control and doesn't require anyone else to change.
5. It will make you happier. Simply put, gratitude and appreciation feel better than bitterness, resentment, and complaining. And they are better for your health.
6. It may be the most meaningful gift you give this year. Imagine going into your holiday gatherings primed to notice and appreciate the good in your family, rather than guarding against the bad. Chances are you will see them differently, and treat them differently, and that they in turn will respond differently to you. What better gift could you give to a family than the ability to feel more love and connection?

Whether your family members "deserve" this loving treatment or not is not the point. The point is that you deserve it. I hope you'll give it a try and let me know how it goes.

"Thank you" is much more than good manners

For many years, the only two reasons I could think to give my kids for saying thank you were:

1. It's polite, and
2. It can lead people to do more nice things for you in the future.  

Both are true, of course, but an even more basic reason to say thank you is this: It will make you happier. 

Gratitude is one of the key components of happiness, after all. To think about what you can honestly say thank you for is to think about the gifts you have received, and not take them for granted. 

Expressing an honest thank you is a gift to the other person as well. It helps them realize the impact of their words and actions. It reminds them that what they do matters. And it gives them the opportunity to say "you're welcome," and be reminded of their own good intentions.

To give an authentic thank you is both humbling and empowering. It is a reminder that other people are important to you, and that you have something of value to offer them, too.

I don't think kids -- or any of us -- need to be browbeaten into saying thank you. We just need to be reminded of how good it feels, and how many opportunities there are to do it.
 

Beware those insidious hidden beliefs

I read a great blog post the other day about the damage we can cause with our hidden beliefs about who we are and how we should be. The author challenged his readers to identify some of their own hidden beliefs, and I wanted to share some of mine with you. Can you relate to any of these?

• There is one right thing to do in all situations, and I should be ashamed if I don’t know what it is.
• If I'm not experiencing love and happiness, something is wrong.
• "Down time" is really wasted time. My mind and body don't deserve to rest.
• I can't handle pain, rejection, or hard physical exercise.
• "Playing it safe" is an act of self-care.
• I shouldn't need reminders to breathe, focus, or be grateful for life.
• If I know the right thing to do, it should be easy to do it (and I shouldn't need help).
• Other people only pretend to like me. They really think I'm annoying and pathetic.
• If I hurt, judge, disappoint, or inconvenience people, I am bad.
• The more I give, the more inherent value I have as a person.
• Love and forgiveness have to be earned, and if I’m not perfect, I don’t deserve either.

As soon as I put them in writing, beliefs like these are no longer hidden, and they seem ridiculous.  Really, I'm supposed to be happy all the time and never judge anyone and never make mistakes and do it all alone with no rest and no help or love from anyone else, under the constant threat of permanent rejection and misery?  Says WHO?!  In the light, I don't actually think ANY of these beliefs are true, for me or for anyone else. But when they are allowed to stay hidden, they are insidious.

I love the song Try, by Colbie Caillat, which is a great antidote to the "never good enough" messages that swim all around me. "You don't have to try so hard," she says.  "You don't have to change a single thing."  You just have to get up, and keep getting up, and practice being you, over and over again. (I took some liberties to paraphrase there.) The song is clearly written for women, so I'm not sure how it will resonate with you men out there, but I still think it's worth a listen. And if you know a song with a similar message that would be more appealing to men, please share it with me. I think this message is needed universally, and I'm not comfortable cutting out half of the population!

I spend a lot of time thinking about ways to help neutralize some of the nasty messages that hide within individuals and communities, and support happiness and human connection instead. These blog posts are a small part of that effort, as are my message cards and the workshops I've offered.  I want to do more, though, and am eager to find allies who can help generate ideas, contribute resources, and fill in some of my blind spots.

This Thursday night (yes, just two days from now!) I am going to be holding a brainstorming session, where I will share some ideas for expanding the Gift of Happiness, and ask for feedback and advice. If you can't make it, there will be more opportunities to participate later on, but if you are available and can spare a few hours to get in on this conversation, I hope you will come!

In the meantime, despite what those hidden voices may whisper (or shout) from time to time, remember that you are a gift to everyone around you.  Thank you so much for being in my life. 

The Happiness Toolkit

A friend recently introduced me to a magazine called Live Happy. According to their website, "Live Happy is leading the global movement to make the world a happier place. We are dedicated to promoting and sharing authentic happiness, inspiring people to live purpose-filled, healthy, meaningful lives." I love the mission, but I have to admit my reaction to the magazine itself was not so nice. Because honestly, it looked like pretty much every other magazine I've ever seen, filled with unrealistically beautiful smiling people, products advertised to help make you happier, and tons of quick tips for how live a happier life. Implication: Your life isn't good enough the way it is, but if you just [fill in the blank], it could be.
 
Blech, I thought. Isn't that ever-striving mindset what makes us so unhappy in the first place? I took home a copy of the magazine, intending to use it as blog fodder. Maybe I would write about how counter-productive it is for a magazine purporting to teach about happiness to not talk about any of the other emotions. Or how the actual practice of happiness can be a lot messier than those simple top 10 lists let on. But instead I stuck the magazine at the bottom of a pile, and mostly avoided it.
 
Fast-forward to a few weeks ago, when my mother told me about the Happiness workshop she attended at a Creative Problem Solving Conference. It was impressive to both of us because instead of just teaching about happiness, the facilitator had designed activities for people to actually experience happiness in the moment. Not only did the participants end the hour feeling happier than they began, but they had practiced simple techniques that they could return to again and again. Wow! I thought. Maybe I could do a workshop like that....
 
So this coming weekend, I will be visiting my parents in upstate New York and offering my own version of that workshop called The Happiness Toolkit. I'm excited about it because, in addition to happiness habits you might find in Live Happy magazine, I've also included some of the techniques I use when I am feeling decidedly UNhappy, and frankly not interested in smiling at people or listing out a bunch of things I'm grateful for. It's all simple stuff that will be fun to practice together. If you know anyone in the Rochester area, please send them my way!