Disliking people vs. disliking situations: It makes a difference!

I recently posted a bunch of new videos to my YouTube channel. Several were about the Signs of Kindness project: A short overview, a longer introduction, an FAQ about whether I'm a nonprofit, and some thoughts for people who are reluctant to plant their own signs.

There was also this short one, which I recorded several weeks ago and had nearly forgotten about. It was about how we phrase our displeasure in relation to others.

Do you say: "I can't stand people who _________"?

Or do you say: "I can't stand it when people _________"?

Maybe this is just my own quirky pet peeve, but to me there's a striking difference between those two statements.

The first one is a judgement on the person. I don't like what someone did, and that behavior defines them in my eyes. It makes them unworthy of my goodwill and acceptance. I reject and distance myself from them and all people like them. It leaves me feeling self-righteous, separate, and victimized.

The second is a judgement on the situation. I don't like what someone did -- or frankly, when anyone does what they did. I don't like the impact that it had, how it made me feel, how it violated my values or beliefs. I reject the behavior, but really it's more about my own experience than it is about them. It helps me re-commit to what's important to me.

When I hear someone say, "I can't stand people who _____," my gut reaction is often fear: Oh my goodness, do I do that? If so, will this person hate me? How do I hide so they don't find out? Maybe I can take a breath and respond in a grounded way, but it still doesn't feel that great.

When I hear someone say, "I can't stand it when people _____," honestly I might still have an inner moment of panic, but it's less a fear of rejection than a fear of knowing that I've caused harm that I didn't intend. And it can lead to a more open, honest and productive conversation.

What do you think? Is this a distinction you're sensitive to? Are there other phrases you don't like, perhaps for similar reasons?

What practices do you have for staying present in a conversation even when the other person pushes your buttons?