On spiders and seeing
/When my daughter went away to camp a few summers ago, she was afraid of bugs.
When she came home, she began being kind to them.
What made the difference, I learned, was an afternoon she spent watching a spider with one of her counselors.
Instead of giving in to her fear and staying away, she came closer and looked at it. Got curious about it. Appreciated it. Was present with it. Up close, she experienced the spider not as fearful and icky, but as fascinating and amazing.
This story came to mind yesterday as I was reflecting on all the different kinds of people I have subtly judged and avoided in my life. The list includes people of color, people who don't speak English well, people with physical and mental disabilities, people I deem fat or unattractive or unintelligent, and others.
For someone who cares so much about kindness, it is humbling to see such a gap between my actions and how I aspire to be with my fellow human beings.
More than the embarrassment of hypocrisy, the experience of keeping myself guarded and distant from people feels awful. Not only does it not help anyone, but it perpetuates a world of meanness and separation that *I* don't want to live in. It hurts my heart. It damages my soul.
I think the spider story offers good instruction.
One of the common themes in our public dialogue on racial justice recently is the importance of us white people listening and learning. For us to see and be with the experiences of people of color. To watch, read, and listen to their stories.
When I first saw that advice, it struck me as too simplistic. Not enough. But the more I think about it, the more important it seems.
When my daughter took the time to attend to that spider, it went from being scary and unfamiliar to a creature she had a relationship with. Something inside her fundamentally changed that I don't think any amount of moralizing or rule-making could have brought about. And it extended way beyond that single interaction.
Today, not only does she not have bugs or spiders killed any more, but she is also in a position to teach other kids to observe nature with curiosity, and perhaps overcome their fears as well.
While people are not spiders, I think the same principles apply: The powerful change that can happen when we truly see someone we'd previously ignored. The gift that it is for another person to share the truth of their life with us. The comfort of having a guide to accompany us through unknown territory. The joy of being free from old fears and misconceptions.
I am looking forward to following in my daughter's footsteps.