Love is not the goal; it's the starting point

One of the first things I learned in my LifeResults training was the powerful difference between two statements, each signifying a vastly different way of relating to other people who aren't just like us. Here's Statement One: 

I don't understand you, therefore I don't accept you, and I don't love you.

Let that sentence sit with you a little while. Imagine yourself hearing it from another person.

Imagine yourself saying it to someone else.

Imagine saying it to yourself.

Whether or not you've said or heard those exact words before, I wonder if their essence is as painfully familiar to you as it is to me.

Can you feel the loneliness (and the hurt, and the fear, and the anger) in that statement? How it makes you want to shrink and harden, defend and attack, justify and condemn?

Whether I'm saying it or hearing it, the impact is that I become uninterested in extending goodwill, giving you the benefit of the doubt, or trusting you with my truth. Instead, it feels safest to keep my distance -- with the result that we both remain ignorant of, and misunderstood by, the other.

By contrast, try on Statement Two:

I love you and I accept you, even though I don't understand you.

Imagine yourself hearing that from another person.

Imagine yourself saying it to someone else.

Imagine saying it to yourself.

Can you feel the kindness in those words (and the patience, calm, faith, and empowerment)? How the message creates trust and invites openness and curiosity?

Statement Two makes love the starting point of an interaction, rather than something to be earned based on certain conditions. Having that as a basis makes it safer for me to share, listen and explore differences without fear that either one of us will be rejected or shunned for what we reveal. It opens up the possibility of conversation, connection, and learning, even when we disagree or can't relate to each other.

I love you and I accept you, even though I don't understand you.

Is there anything you care about that wouldn't improve if the people involved chose that as a foundation for their conversations?

What would happen if Statement Two became a mantra for you?

What if you committed to it before turning on the news, or interacting with your family members, or entering into a potentially difficult conversation, or just going out to the grocery store?

What if you remembered it when you started to feel that "I don't accept you and I don't love you" feeling toward someone, and challenged yourself to identify things you don't understand about their life, actions, or point of view?

The point is not to pretend that everyone you don't understand is good or right (or even likable!), but rather to find a way out of the pain and loneliness that we create when we turn people into enemies.

I believe life is too precious to get sidetracked by that. But if you don’t agree, let’s talk! I bet there is a lot we can learn from each other.