"Fragility" is not a character flaw

I recently finished reading White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo.

In it, she calls out what white people often do in conversations about race when they are confronted with an uncomfortable truth. In response to feeling attacked, shamed, insulted, judged, angry, scared, or other strong emotions, they break down, withdraw, attack, defend, deny, simplify, change the subject, etc. This "white fragility" is frustrating to her as a racial and social justice educator because it serves to shut down the conversation, and prevent any new learning from happening. 

It was striking to recognize how I can display that same kind of emotional fragility in relationships whenever I feel especially sensitive, uncertain, or insecure about something, race-related or otherwise. As a general rule, I don't want to shut down dialogue, but on certain topics it's easy for me to get emotionally flooded, and it requires deliberate attention if I'm not to do so.

I expect most of us have sensitive spots like that. Areas of life where we lack hope or confidence, have damaging or conflicting beliefs, or simply care deeply about things being a certain way. Places in our lives where we could use extra love, patience, and understanding.

Unfortunately, the dominant Western culture is not kind to fragility. Either we coddle people who are fragile, treating them with kid gloves; or we ridicule their ignorance; or get impatient with their defensiveness; or punish their aggression with our own.

The problem is, none of these responses actually help people become less fragile. Nor do they give us any good guidance for how to treat ourselves when we're tempted to fight, flee, or freeze.

In light of that, here is the guidance that I'm offering myself, that I also offer to you:

Fragility -- "white" or otherwise -- is not a character flaw. It is a human experience.

Feeling fragile is an indicator that you've identified something important to pay attention to, where you have something worthwhile to learn.

It is not a time to stuff down your emotions, or pretend they don’t matter, or berate yourself for having them. It is a time to seek out extra love and attention, from sources you trust, to help you find the courage to seek new answers.

It is a time to listen deeply, not to “experts,” but to yourself: to your own inner wisdom that will guide you from fragility back into wholeness.

May you treat yourself with kindness, and others too, so we can all find the wisdom and clarity we need around our growing edges.